“…And now, some of the news…This just in... Russell Brand raises from the dead after dying in snowboard accident, comes back to life on Montbleu's Showroom Stage in South Lake Tahoe”
by Adra Janean Fenstermaker
The actor and novice snowboarder, Russell Brand, appeared in front of a sold out showroom at the Montbleu Resort Casino and Spa in South Lake Tahoe dressed in a white jacket, black pants, and brown leather boots. His 80’s glam rocker scarf hanging round his neck, framing multiple cross necklaces and a long strand of brown beads. Although unsure if Brand was wearing cologne that evening, the room smelled of cougars in heat and men looking to take advantage of their gawking partners after Brand was done fluffing them with his thrusting hips and sexual powers.
Brand welcomed his audience with a greeting “Good evening, can’t fucking breath properly” in which his female guest in the front row offered him a glass of white wine to help with the altitude – to which Brand, eyeing the glass and sniffing the rim reminds his alcohol pushers that he has a teeny weenie little bit of an alcohol and drug problem – and perhaps gargling a strangers glass may not be one of the wisest choices, then he looks to the glass and speaks to it lovingly, “Aw, I remember you – should I drink you? ” when the glass doesn’t respond he hands it back and moves on to two large breasted blond sisters dressed in low cut little black dresses. “Been here 5 minutes and already been offered booze and incest” he says as he rubs the girls hands on his white jacket and sings the words “Lake Tahoe” to the tune of Woody the Woodpecker.
The banter quickly turns to customs and entering countries through airport security, the crowd erupts in laughter as they hang on Brands tale of fruit smuggling and how he will probably be sent to jail for bringing a banana into the country.
Returning to the sisters, Brand inquires as to if they’ve had sex with the same man before and pokes fun when one immediately says “NO” and the other says, “Don’t answer that” but they both agree that they would consider it with him. Brand, being quick on his feet comes back with a most fabulous retort “While a tourist in Lake Tahoe, I am not a tourist in erotica”.
Brand’s associations are well thought out comically as he portrays the Dahlia Lama as being a cross between Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid and Yoda put together. When contemplating whether he would be a good monk, Brand was told he wouldn’t be a good candidate – mainly for two reasons, the first being celibacy, the second being fidelity.
The house lights raise and Brand searches for a victim starting by walking out onto a VIP table then jumping down to the floor. Cameras, iPhones and video cameras surround Brand as his microphone line is passed overhead by all of the members of the audience until a stagehand appears to assist. Mass amounts of tits busting out of small outfits commanding attention rush the railing to ooze sex and send subliminal “Pick Me Russell” thoughts directly into his subconscious. It is at this very moment that you realize what it is like to be a celebrity, but not any celebrity, a celebrity with sex symbol status as high and breathless as the altitude in Tahoe.
After removing his jacket, Brand moves onto more personal topics that hint towards his lust for sexual activities such as “blow job carousel” and makes light of the fact that if Kim Khardashian were in the back alley right now, he too would be in the alley with her and the stage would be empty. The showroom finds the Kim Khardashian statement hilarious and you can almost see the men nodding in agreement in their minds, so as not to let their significant others know that they too, would do Kim Khardashian in an alley, or anywhere for that matter.
It is a known fact that Brand is not the fondest of media, yet he understands the necessity that media is married to celebrity and that without one, you can’t have the other. Sitting in the front row with my notebook and pencil, Brand took many puzzled looks at me as I scribbled my chicken scratch trying not to miss anything important. As he looked towards me, he told the story of a Rolling Stone Magazine interview he had done that didn’t quite go as planned. Being spontaneous and improvisational by nature and a comic by trade, sometimes the infliction of voice doesn’t transcend into written word as well as intended. In his interview, the story goes that he was asked by the reporter “What advice do you have for young pop stars” to the question he responded, “Take heroin, cause all the best rock stars have done that – also, heroin is a very powerful drug – so it will weed out the week pop stars”. His play on Darwinism is funny, but not as funny as when the Daily Mail reported; “Russell Brand says Beiber should take heroin”.
Brand titled his show “Messiah Complex” highlighting four iconic individuals; Gandhi, Malcolm X, Che Chevara and Jesus Christ, picking these men because they are hero’s who have made mistakes in which Brand says that he is similar in a way with each of them. Gandhi did not let his wife take Western Medicine when she fell ill, so she dies. Gandhi then contracted the same disease, took the medicine and lived. Without people to support Gandhi, he would just be a wife killer in a sheet. Brand is like Gandhi because he will always put himself first. Malcolm X was a pimp and drug dealer who without the freeing of slaves, industry and blacks to support his cause, Malcolm is just another man who once poured talcum powder on a mans penis until he came…Brand is like Malcolm, because he once jerked off a man in a bathroom for a documentary that was being filmed. Che Chevara, know for his direct action against a repressive force has a criminal record for indecent exposure, Brand once was arrested for trying to make his wang bigger in a sex riot. Without them being backed by millions of people, Chevara is no more than a good looking guy with a smelly dick. Jesus. Brand talks about Jesus and the bible, stating that it doesn’t say, “Don’t be gay” in the bible, but it does say “don’t go over to your neighbors and take their ox”. It’s not okay to take the ox, but it’s okay to “fuck a man in the ass, cum inside him, suck the cum out, and then kiss him on the mouth with cum bubbles” (to a roar of laughter in the crowd). Greatness is a product of time backed by millions of people. Brand says he is most like Jesus because Jesus is a temporary symbol – an orgasm of oneness.
Adra talks all about how exciting Russell Brand was at Montbleu in South Lake Tahoe
